Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
every single time
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing