83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
just having fun
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂