Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.