captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
when nothing goes right… go left
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.