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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!