{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?