In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
You Might Also Like
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
uh oh
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.