I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*