Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Before & after 😅
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅