Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
You Might Also Like
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*