Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler