At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You Might Also Like
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
another case of gang violins
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.