My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
i’m sure it’s fine
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.