We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I don’t know what to do
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.