Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
They also CAN sing✌️
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.