doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
is this a warning or an offer?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.