Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The Book. The Movie.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire