How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I have two kinds of followers
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
me when the borders lift