Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
🤣dope
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”