Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
fly smarter, not harder
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Dead sexy!!
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband