I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Trying
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat