*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Mad Max Arctic Road
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.