[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Sex so good you see dead people.