Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
good let them take over I have had enough
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces