I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
how much for the angry fruit?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident