Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
You Might Also Like
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced