Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My Plans 2020
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.