My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You Might Also Like
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
58.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.