7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.