Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
i now pronounce you bounced.
me when I see my crush
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it