When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake