Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said