I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Any refunds available?…