God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.