Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”