Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.