“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-