Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Are we there yet?…
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.