daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Lmaoo 😂
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Breaking news:
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me irl
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.