The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You Might Also Like
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.