Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.