why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?