Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
What the hell happened here.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses