12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.