Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.