can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
You Might Also Like
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
12653.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet