Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
This is no longer winter this is harassment
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
mood