burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.