“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.