[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food